You got this. Keep going.

The 100 Day Exhibition is taking place as I write.

Putting together my entry over these last few weeks has been hugely time-consuming.  Every evening after work has been taken up with printing the images I’ve used and super-imposing the captions and quotes.  

Piecing it all together was a bit of a last minute scramble and, 
whilst not completely happy with the end result, 
the sense of accomplishment is huge.  

This is something I WILL participate in again.

It’s been a hugely emotional roller-coaster ride.  

On the way home from setting up on Saturday, 

I couldn’t halt the flood of tears that coursed down my face.

Even in her death the hound has bought SO much joy to my world.

Without realising it though my sub-conscious has been quietly 

processing the requirements for my next rambling companion.  

I hadn’t registered all this sub-limal activity that’s been taking place 

until Y and I were deworming some puppies a few weekends ago. 

It’s a litter of pups that Y is involved in the rehoming of.

They were so cute and SO cuddly!

Tripped us up at every turn and sat on our feet whenever we stood still.

But I didn’t want to take one home.

It did spark a thought process though.

And an awareness of what my sub-conscious has been processing.

I know that I want a puppy, not an older dog.

I don’t want another Labrador,

even though they’re one of my favourite breeds.

I want a boy this time.

For no other reason than that my girl was a legend.

A bum-waggling angel in a furry 4-legged body.

Beyond compare.

This next dog will be as unique as she was.

The sub-conscious is a funny old thing.

As Y and I chatted about this next dog it all came jumbling out - so effortlessly.

The type of dog.  Wether it would be a puppy or an older dog.  Even it’s gender.

I couldn’t recall having consciously MADE these decisions but, in my sub-conscious, I obviously had.  Our minds are so productive when left to their own devices. 

Knowing all this though and putting it into action are two very different things.

Whilst I know I’ve come a long way in the 5 months since her death,

 I also know I’m not ready to action the acquisition of a new pup yet.

The loss of my girl still weighs too heavily on my heart.

Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for all to see,

 it is just a tiny spark that whispers ever so softly: 

“You got this.  Keep going.” 

~ The Idealist

The Universe is giggling

It's almost done!

The 100 Days project that is.

When it started in May I was struggling to see a way forward.

The hound had just died and rambling each morning without her 

demanded a commitment and perseverance that I didn't think I had.

Finding something of beauty to post each day,

in honour of her memory,

was even more of a challenge.

But the 100 Days is almost done and dusted

and I can honestly say it has been a thought provoking and very necessary journey.

Looking back on the images I’ve posted 

and the thoughts that have accompanied them, 

takes me on an emotional ride. 

I hadn’t realised how palpable the grief was.

So much of what I see and photograph reminds me of my girl.

Some mornings I sought isolation.

Others I craved a physical presence.

There were mornings when, no matter the weather,

everything appeared bleak

It’s been a hard road, 

but an enlightening one.

There have been so many light bulb moments.

When I’ve known without a doubt that I’ve taken a step forward.

In the right direction.

Last week at Muriwai was one of these moments.

It started with a quotation from ‘the wise one’

“If you’re really listening, if you’re awake to the poignant beauty of the world, 

your heart breaks regularly.

In fact your heart is made to break;

it’s purpose is to burst open again and again 

so that it can hold even more wonders.”

~ Andrew Harvey

And ended with an arbitrary man and his dog.

A windswept man, with a rucksack on his back, 

and a wet, bedraggled happy hound bouncing along at his side.

The contentment they shared was tangible.

I felt it.

I know, without a doubt now, that there WILL be another dog in my life

... despite my protestations to the contrary.

I need another 4-legged rambling companion.
It would never replace the hound but would add its own kind of magic to my day
The hound would have approved of that.

Now is not the right time though.

There is too much happening and SO much planned for next year.

I know from past experience though, 
that life has an agenda of it’s own.

And the Universe giggled again.

“It is being honest about my pain that makes me invincible.” 

~ Yield

Follow this link to see all the images used in my !00 Day Project
100 Days Project - Carol Jardine

Slip-sliding ...

So, as I slip-slide,

 not always very graciously
into this post-hound chapter of life 
I feel strangely empowered.

This grieving HASN’T just been about the hound..  

There has been SO much of change over the last 6 years.  

Time to grieve and process it whilst it was happening wasn’t always possible.  

The death of the hound has bought all that grief to the fore.

It’s forced me to confront it.

And to acknowledge it.

So much of what was supposedly important no longer has an impact on my life. 

That’s strangely liberating.

And scary.     

It’s only when I stop and think about where I’m at now though

that I realise how far I’ve come.

The past hasn’t dictated my future.

Far from it.

I cannot stand still though because the world keeps turning.

There is ALWAYS change.

It’s everywhere.

New faces.

New tears to shed.

New joys to invest in.

More edges to fray.

Every moment is precious.

I don’t intend to waste any of them.

That circle of love the hound embraced me with isn’t broken.

It’s just expanded.

“You see, it is the love with which you do things that radiates;

it is not the things that you do. 

~ The law of one.

So where to from here?

“For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen:

a gaseous nebula must collapse.

So collapse.

Crumble.

This is not your destruction.

This is your birth.”

~ Zoe Skylar

When the hound died, my world as I knew it crumbled.

It exploded into a myriad of pieces that won’t ever fit back together.

I feel like the joy has been sucked out of life.

Even though I know in reality it hasn’t.

Moving forward without the hound’s daily presence is difficult.

I wasn’t going to write a blog again.

Exploring my thoughts and feelings through the medium of  the written word 
and my photographs though has become integral to who I am.

So this is me again.

A little frayed around the edges.

A little wiser.

Sometimes fragile.

But growing in strength with every adversity I overcome.

So where to from here?

I know that I NEED to ramble.

There’s no getting away from it.

With or without the hound, I have to ramble.

It’s Mother Nature’s way of restoring some sanity to a very lost soul.

Wether it be long walks before the world wakes up

or exploring new rambles on my day off,

I know I have a need to walk.

Even on the cold winter mornings.

Even when the heavens are sending down a torrent of water.

Rambling is essential for my soul.
As is capturing the beauty of what I see.

The hound might not be here in physical form anymore
but I feel her with me everyday.

So rambling will continue

Sharing this new journey will continue.
Life will continue to challenge and provoke.
I wouldn't want it any other way.

“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.” 

~ Dan Pearce